celtic
by pengiechan
Summary: I had my reasons for running away, but I never said they were good ones. KousukexRyouko, manga based, spoilers. Oneshot.


I had my reasons for running away.

Most of it was because I couldn't stand being her brother. When we were kids it was fine, it was something I just took in stride, I was her "oniichan" and I was there to protect her. As she roughed up around the edges and gained a reputation for fighting bears, I didn't have to stick so closely to her side, but the whole brother-sister relationship never quite faded. It was always there in one way or another.

As I got older and the lines started to blur, I got this idea in my mind that we were going to beat this curse and get married like normal people. I think I firmly believed that for about two weeks before somehow, someone managed to thoroughly explain to me that all of the Blade Children were actually half-siblings and oh, right, siblings aren't supposed to get married. Suddenly the occasional slip of "oniichan" through her mouth was disgusting to me. I didn't want to be her brother, I wanted to be... whatever else there was to be to a girl like her. I was too young to really grasp the idea of dating or know what marriage actually involved, but I still hated, intensely hated, the fact that we shared some blood. I thought I could choose, that I could just open my mouth and banish the fact that we were siblings to some other realm of existence where I'd never have to see it or think about it or acknowledge it again.

Of course, nothing happened the way I wanted it to. I got older, I realized that I could never marry my sister, and I got bitter. I couldn't even consider the idea of finding someone else - there's no more fish in the sea for Blade Children who are told they're going to go crazy and kill people when they get older. My frustration seeped out in the form of snide remarks and horribly chosen words, and we started to fight. But despite that - despite all that - I still wanted more, wanted so badly to be something more than a brother. I craved the affection I never got. If she knew I was to the point of falling in love with her, back then, she never showed it. She screamed and yelled and beat me up, and finally I had enough of the whole thing and ran away.

I didn't run away just because of her. There was a lot going on. Blade Children shit, Hunters, the usual. But I ran.

And I didn't realize until years later just how badly it hurt her.

"Why did you leave?"

Ryouko is so close to me right now that I can almost taste her. It was accidental when it started, this situation: I had slipped on the kitchen floor and fallen over, she had mocked me for it, and I'd tripped her immediately after regaining my footing. But we'd both ended up on the floor, tangled together completely by accident, and all those months of tense words at dinner and accidental brushes of skin that sent chills up my spine -

I want to kiss her so bad right now, so fucking bad. She has no idea. I'd spent what felt like minutes reminding myself that she was my sister and kissing her would break that boundary, and then she'd looked up at me with those stupid ruby eyes and asked that stupid question. The question I can't answer.

If I answer it, she'll know everything. I'll have no more secrets and everything will be ruined.

I do what I always do in this situation: play dumb. "What are you talking about?"

"When you left. Before Tsukiomi." She seems unaware that my hips are pressed to hers and oh god, teenage hormones, don't start now. "Why?"

"It didn't seem like a good idea for us to all be clumped together like we were. You know that - "

"You could have stayed."

She says it so simply that I know I can't lie. She's been waiting to ask this question for a while, and although I don't consider a tumble to the kitchen floor a prompt to ask about things that have happened in years past... Ryouko operates differently than me. And apparently she puts these things off.

I sigh, and wonder if the hand that is resting on the kitchen floor should move to somewhere more personal. "Would you have wanted that?" I ask, and watch her expression for any sign of change. "You didn't exactly seem happy with me."

Her eyes never leave mine. "Are you going to run again?"

"Ryouko - "

"Are you?"

I look at her, at this girl beneath me on her kitchen floor, her hair cut too short and her eyes so deep I feel like I could get lost in them, and I almost wonder if I should be asking her the same question. She has been running all her life. We have both been running.

It's time to stop.

"No."

Her composure breaks. She was expecting a different answer - no answer at all - and I suddenly see that she has been waiting, anxiously waiting, for me to promise that I am not going to leave her. Brother or not, she has needed me, whether or not she wants to admit it now - not that she has to, I can see it in her eyes. She doesn't want to be alone again.

And I ran away because I couldn't have what I wanted.

"Fuck," I mumble, and I can see the tears welling in her eyes. I haven't seen Takamachi Ryouko cry since we were seven years old. It no longer matters what I say, because I've said the only thing she wanted to hear. "Hey... Don't do that..."

She smiles, punches me in the forehead, and buries her head into my shoulder to cry.

"I had my reasons."

"I know."

"I never meant to hurt you, Ryouko, it was just - "

"It's my fault, too."

"What are you talking about?"

Ryouko sighs. She sounds weary, but not irritated, as if the ten minutes of crying have exhausted her to the point of just not wanting to put up a fight anymore. It's a different sound, and I'm not used to it. "I'm the one who pushed you away. I didn't want to know how you felt about me. I didn't want to be protected. I didn't think I needed anyone."

"You... knew?"

"I always knew."

I look at where she is lying on the floor, her head in my lap, and the first thing that I can think to ask is "do you hate me?"

She frowns at me. "Kousuke."

"Seriously. Isn't - " I stutter and feel my face turn red. Apparently it's taken a couple seconds for she knows you love her, you ridiculous bastard to catch up with me. No one ever said I was bright. "It's - weird."

"What's weird?"

"We're - " I motion with my hands. I don't want to say it. I hate saying it. " - you know."

The frown on her face slips into a different expression, an almost snide smile. "Siblings aren't supposed to feel like this, right?"

"I - yes."

"Nn." Now she rolls her eyes, lifting a hand to absently wipe a stray tear that's been lingering on her cheek for the last minute or so. "You aren't supposed to have feelings for me, for anyone. You aren't supposed to live. You aren't supposed to make it to next year without losing your mind. It doesn't matter." She fixes her gaze on me, her hand dropping, and I feel the words settle in my mind. It doesn't matter. "No one knows but us... about..." Now she's the one who has to motion, absently, as if the idea of the two of us sharing the same blood just isn't something that can be communicated in words. "And anyone who might know won't do anything about it. We've been told so many things are wrong that there really isn't a concept of "right" anymore."

Even in this situation, I don't think before I open my mouth. "I'm surprised you can be so eloquent after bawling your eyes out."

Somehow she manages to knee me in the chin. It hurts, as usual.

"You aren't being serious about this."

"I - " I close my mouth. She's not exactly right, but this isn't the time to argue. "Sorry."

"What do you want to do about it?"

I don't know how to respond to that. I watch her settle back down on the kitchen floor, her head in my lap again, and my fingers find their way to hers before I can even recognize the movement of my hands. She doesn't seem surprised, but we're both shaking. We haven't held hands since that time in the hospital, since I said those things that almost silenced us for a year, resigned us to day after day of awkward conversations and half-hearted arguments - and I'm finally, finally able to grasp the fact that Ryouko isn't exactly running away from this. Which means... what, exactly?

What do I want to do about this?

I take a risk. Maybe this one will pay off.

"When did you know?"

"... what?"

"That you loved me."

She looks at me blankly for a second, and in that second I can feel everything hang in the balance. We haven't said the word to each other - hell, we haven't even come close to that word before this - but I have to know. I can't go on one-sided feelings, can't sit here with this girl beside me without knowing whether or not I have to resign myself to a few more years of just being siblings or if there's a chance, any chance -

"When we were trapped in the school."

I have to remind myself not to gape. I'm not supposed to be gaping. I'm supposed to be acting like I didn't just take a risk that resulted in, oh, my entire life changing.

"You and Rio were joking around and having fun, and something about the way the two of you..." Her fingers tremble within my hand, and I notice her eyes shut tight, a completely uncharacteristic blush starting to form across the bridge of her nose. "You bothered me. I cared too much."

Screw it. I'm gaping now. She can't see anyway. "You were jealous?"

She makes a face. "Don't say it like that. I just - "

"Ryouko."

Her eyes flutter open and fix on mine, and we just wait, looking at each other, and I think to myself that she is probably realizing the same thing I am.

There was never any reason to run.

I smile. I can't help it. It suddenly feels like we've both been idiots, like we've been avoiding something that should have been so easy from the very beginning. All the anger and worry falls out of me, and the only thing I can see in front of me now is her.

"I told you, didn't I?"

"What?"

"I told you that I couldn't make any moves on you if you called me your brother."

She looks up at me from the floor and smiles, and it feels good to know that I'll never have to run from anything again. 


End file.
